I hope you’re having a good start to your weekend! I work with a lot of successful women (plus a few special guys :)), helping them to heal themselves and their relationships. With this, it never fails to surprise me to see the impact that our childhood and our relationships have had during this pivotal time on many of our present-day experiences.
A few examples:
– A woman I worked with who had a ton of anger towards her father and then was projecting this onto her partner and child, not realizing that her anger was actually rooted in not having forgiven her father for mistreating her, and eventually leaving
– Another woman I worked with who hadn’t fully forgiven her father for abusing her sibling and because of this, had shut down her intuition and connection to self, because it didn’t feel safe and it hurt too much to acknowledge
– A man I worked with who’s mom was extremely transactional with him and their entire family, being exclusively focused on the needs of the family (food, clothes, etc.). No matter how much he reached out to her, she would always be focused on the practical and couldn’t and wouldn’t give him her love. Because of this, he was blocked from finding love in his own life.
Not to mention all of the times you’ve subconsciously brought an ex on a date with you, thereby sabotaging that date, or at a minimum, teaching him to treat you in a disrespectful way.
Here’s the thing, though.
When we begin to work on and heal the relationships of our past that are having a much bigger impact than we can imagine, things change. First and foremost, we feel more love for ourselves. This, then, in turn, paves the way for us to feel safe with and to trust ourselves (which is, many times, when our intuition got shut down in the first place) and also allows for new, deeper and more connected relationships, with more love and kindness in all relationships. (Just this week myself, my friend and I had a couple offer us one of their umbrellas for a 2-hour concert outside when they thought we didn’t have one (leaving them with only one). Then the next day, someone saw me walking funny and stopped her work to check on me. Then the day after that, someone that works in the building was prepared to get off the phone with his friend when he thought I needed him. This was literally in a span of 3 days, and this, my friends, is the power of the work!)
And while all of this sounds great in theory, the question then becomes how do we begin to recognize that there even is a problem, and most importantly, with this, to heal?
1. Be honest.
Most of the time when I’m working with someone, many times they tell me that they have already forgiven their parents or caretakers. Typically, though not always, this is a sign that there’s more work to do. That being said, the key here is to be really honest with yourself. Have you really forgiven them or are you holding onto some resentment, anger or pain, to name a few, that’s still lingering, waiting to come out of the shadows when you least expect it, and with that, to attack or hold back love from a loved one because it is unresolved? This example reminds me of a quote in my book, Living Deeply: A Transformational Journey Through Deep Pain, Loss and Abandonment to Healing, Self-Love and Miracles, “Forgiveness isn’t just neutrality; it’s love.” If you can’t say with your whole heart that you love this person, there’s likely more work to do.
2. Identify your true feeling(s).
Once you have gotten clarity on if there’s more work to do, if there is, it’s important to identify what you are feeling. Are you angry at them for leaving? Are you hurt by them for not acknowledging their impact on you? Whatever it is, it’s important to identify this.
3. Feel it.
This last one sounds simple in theory, but in practice, it is one of the hardest things for most humans to do and can be a lifelong soul journey. One way to start to connect to it, is just to see the person in front of you and say out loud to them what you’re feeling, keeping it as simple as possible. This may look like, “I’m really angry with you. I’m really angry with you…” or “What you did really hurt me. What you did really hurt me…” Repeat this process as necessary until all you feel towards this person is love.
Of course, if you’re struggling with this and this feels like part of what you came here to heal as a soul, don’t hesitate to reach out. You can find more information about working together here, and I just recently added The 15-Minute Catalyst Conversation for those wanting to talk with me first. During this call, we can talk about your challenges + goals and see if there is a mutually good fit to work together. Of course, my book is always a great resource, too.
Most importantly, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of knowing how to work with your emotions. We tend to dismiss these as important, but the truth is, not dealing with these not only causes issues in all of our relationships, but can cause illness in our bodies in the long-term, if left unhealed. I talk more about emotions and working with these in the Finding Happiness Telesummit, which includes 20+ experts each sharing how they found their own version of happiness. You can sign-up for free here.
To deeper, more meaningful and loving relationships!
Deb